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Yonder stands your orphan with his gun

10/8/09 10:00 pm - uytoljfgkjhg

[x]Name: Amanda
[x]Nickname: scary, goth-girl, fairy
[x]Birthday: October 24, 1985
[x]Birthplace: Waterbury, Ct.


[x]Current mood: lovely and generous and generally much happier.
[x]Current music: Brendan splashing the clothes about in the bathtub.
[x]Current taste: beer, hunger, cigarette.
[x]Current clothes: tight gray jeans, blue shoes, burgundy socks, staticky gray tshirt with a blue shirt under it and a throat chakra necklace.
[x]Current annoyance: my back hurts, my pants are uncomfortable, and I feel pressured like I might seem lazy and will soon get discovered taking this survey.
[x]Current smell: pretty house with remnants of this morning's sunlight, and clean clothes.
[x]Current thing I ought to be doing: something I want to do more than this.
[x]Current windows open: maybe the front one by the street.
[x]Current desktop picture: a rotting baby doll Brendan and I found in an abandoned hospital place/mansion.
[x]Current favorite bands: peter bjorn and john, chromatics, all old 50'sish people, italo disco, the gay man who plays the ukelale and wears high heels, and his friend who also plays the ukelale.
[x]Current book: I'm reading parts of Smoke and Mirrors again sporatticaly on the ferry and at work.
[x]Current cd in stereo: the man with high heels and his friend.
[x]Current crush: Brendan :p
[x]Current favorite celeb: I don't like any of them. Oh yeah Dudley Moore, Gene Wilder, Cillian Murphey, aannnddd Ewan McGreggor (hottest one in the land)
[x]Current hate: the masses, dishonesty, giving in to lame things.

=Do I=

[x]Smoke?: yes.
[x]Do drugs?: not really. I smoke pot sometimes. I would do a few of them if they were around I guess, and free.
[x]Have sex?: often.
[x]Give oral sex?: yes.
[x]Receive oral sex?: yes.
[x]Have a dream that keeps coming back?: similar themes repeat from time to time.
[x]Remember your first love?: Adam Sanders. Poor baby.
[x]Still love him/her?: I never stopped, and always will.
[x]Read the newspaper?: sometimes if someone forgets one somewhere.
[x]Have any gay or lesbian friends?: a lot of them.
[x]Believe in miracles?: yes.
[x]Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: yes, and I wish more people would.
[x]Consider yourself tolerant of others?: I'm not tolerant of liars.
[x]Consider love a mistake?: sometimes.
[x]Like the taste of alcohol?: love it.
[x]Have a favorite candy?: . whachamacalit's, gummy objects mainly the hamburgers and french fries, fancy truffles and marzipan molds, sour patch kids, fudge from Maine, the list goes on!
[x]Believe in astrology?: yes.
[x]Believe in magic?: yes.
[x]Believe in God?: yes.
[x]Have any pets: kitties in my dreams.
[x]Have any piercing?: septum, then rip:ear piercings, monroe, nostril, and eyebrow.
[x]Have any tattoos?: Odin's crows on my chest, and a lucky moon on my hand by my thumb.
[x]Hate yourself: too often.
[x]Have an obsession?: fantasy and beautiful things in my mind, and gods and mythology and people.
[x]Have a secret crush?: No.
[x]Do they know yet?: Yes.
[x]Have a best friend?: Yes but they are all over the place.
[x]Wish on stars?: when I need to.
[x]Care about looks?: it's nice to look at the ones you love. I usually want to look nice.

=Love life=

[x]First crush: C** B****. =0
[x]First kiss?: Bobby Daggett at TEEN NIGHT!!! AHAHA
[x]Single or attached?: attached.
[x]Ever been in love?: one, two, three times.
[x]Do you believe in love at first sight?: that's how all of mine have been.
[x]Do you believe in "the one?": I want to. I hope it's real.
[x]Describe your ideal significant other: thin long delicate hands, interesting and otherworldly eyes, pale skin, luminescent hair that is longish and messy, worn in clothing, seemingly from another time, nice voice, smells like grass and sunlight, unique and artistic, similar taste in music, somewhat introverted but more outgoing than me, multi-layered, honesthonesthonest, humble, wonderful sense of humor, brain is drowned in fantasy, nice lips, paints, writes well, hangs out with me all the time, sensitive, and sure of what he wants and desires. that's mostly it :]

=Juicy stuff=

[x]Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: truth or dare.
[x]Have you ever been intoxicated?: yes.
[x]Favorite place to be kissed?: neck, wrists, hands, cheeks, eyes, lips (obviously), nose, forehead.
[x]Have you ever been caught "doing something?": I think so. I don't remember.
[x]Are you a tease?: I do what should be done for a given situation.
[x]Shy to make the first move?: Yes, but it's happened.

=Word association=



[x]Hair: black and all over the place.
[x]Eyes: blueish green with yellow inside.
[x]Height: 5'7" I think?


[x]Bought: b33r.
[x]Ate & Drank: beer&potatoes. HAHA
[x]Read: . Smoke and Mirrors.
[x]Watched on tv: the debates, and Conan, and a relationship help public access thing. It was my first tv in over a year.

--EITHER / OR:--

[x]club or houseparty: House party.
[x]beer or cider: both.
[x]drinks or shots: a shot or two, and then some drinks, or vice versa.
[x]cats or dogs: ccccaaaatttss.
[x]single or taken: taken.
[x]pen or pencil: pen.
[x]gloves or mittens: gloves
[x]food or candy: . food
[x]cassette or cd: cd.
[x]coke or pepsi: . coke
[x]this or that:. this


[x]kill: bastards.
[x]get really wasted with: Maine kids.
[x]look like: mike. Myself but prettier with a nice body :(


[x]talked to: Brendan and Cat Bates.
[x]hugged: Brendan.
[x]instant messaged: Maaxx.........x_x
[x]kissed: Brendan.


[x]eat: work/home.
[x]cry: wherever. usually the bathroom cavern :(
[x]wish you were: traveling Europe and Ireland especially, with Brendan and Whitney.

--WHAT IS:--

[x]The most embarrassing CD in your collection?: I don't know. The Sex Pistols maybe.
[x]Your bedroom like?: . a beautiful turquoise place with the bed close to the floor and Krishna by the lovely big windows with yellow curtains. And a big velvet orange chair. so pretty.
[x]Your favorite restaurant?: Where Christmas Tree Lights Meets Chili Pepper Lights, The Mexican Place Across the Street, Indian Row, Indian places in Portland, Benkay.


[x]What's on your bedside table?: this weird robot looking cute red light thing that Ikea birthe, a billion stuffed animal monsters/whales/banannas/variousfriends/popple, a white bedstand, and an alarm clock.
[x]What do you eat when you raid the fridge late at night?: I don't usually do that.
[x]What is your secret guaranteed weeping movie?: AI, American Beauty, Disco Pigs, Mulan Rouge, etc.
[x]If you could have plastic surgery, what would you have done?: a beautiful ass and legs.
[x]What is your biggest fear?: abandonment and being lied to and gotten sick of, and being talentless.
[x]What feature are you most insecure about?:. myself
[x]Do you ever have to beg?: sometimes.
[x]Are you a pyromaniac?: no.
[x]Do you have too many love interests?: . no.
[x]Crushes?: no.
[x]Do you know anyone famous? Ultra Violet, other artists I don't feel like naming.
[x]Describe your bed: . turquoise, close to the wooden floor, turquoise satin pillows and blue ones, and a blanket knitted by Brendan's mom.
[x]Spontaneous or plain?: spontaneous
[x]Do you know how to play poker?: . not really.
[x]What do you carry with you at all times?: my purse with everything in it and special things, some having to do with Adam, and other things I need.
[x]How do you drive?: public transportation.
[x]What do you miss most about being little?: innocence, not knowing this pain and turmoil and having to take care of myself, and having such a free imagination.
[x]Are you happy with your given name?: Hatee it.
[x]How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?: I don't really know, probably not a real lot.
[x]What color is your bedroom?: apple green.
[x]What was the last song you were listening to?: I have no idea.
[x]Have you ever been in a play?: yes.
[x]Who are your best friends?: .Whitney, Lauren, Meghan, Brendan, Adam, various others I guess.
[x]Do you talk a lot?: Not really. Sometimes. Most people know me as very quiet.
[x]Do you like yourself and believe in yourself?: sometimes.
[x]Do you think you're cute?: it meanders.

[x]Do poor, homeless, or starving people sometimes annoy you? when they get mad at me for not giving them money because they don't believe I"m poor too.

[x]Do you consider yourself to be a nice person?: yes.

[x]Do you spend more time with your girlfriend, boyfriend, or your friends?: boyfriend. My friends are all over, and or busy.

[x]What is the first thing you think when you see two gay guys or lesbians holding hands?: "That is so damn sweet and beautiful."

3/12/09 11:00 pm

i need to...please...
"Remember...you promised me...im dying."

The sky was flooded with clouds when he first opened his eyes
The world so new and yet seemed so old
Lost in a million words expressed in a uncouth matter
Waiting for the answers to unfold.
His heart was eaten by sadness when he was a child
Screaming silently for a resolution
Holding his mother tightly
Trying to keep calm and mild.
Golden songs and ivory eyes
Singing a beautiful tune in the ear of this child
Speaking a million cold, dark lies
So many regrets
Haunting him as he sleeps
It�s not his fault
He tells the people as he weeps
Is it worth it?
But, it must be
Dealing with all his shit
Hiding behind that fucking tree
Give him a smile
For the sake of life
Hold him, just for a while
Tell him everything is all right
Guide him, for he is lost
Give him hope
Stop him from being tossed
He loves you
You knew he did
He kissed your hand
He forgot that you had hid
Beneath the cold sky
Singing softly
A sweet lullaby
Don�t run from his arms
Please don�t abandon him now
He needs you
He needs a kiss right now
His heart is true
Just hold him
If only for a little while
Kiss him, hold him
Give him one last fucking smile
"...people stared at the makeup on his face, laughed at his long black hair, his animal grace..."

"...fuck you, fuck you for saying you understand, fuck you for saying your sorry, fuck you for trying to help, fuck you for being honest because I love you lies..."

goodnight brothers.
I hope you wont tell on me..id give you anything..
Current mood: cynical
Current music: ...........i see.........
........i am beyond fake..one day you will ache like i ache...

Rainy days of summer
Clouding up my eyes
Your amazing voice
Your heavenly lies.
Oh you, with your pretty little face
Searching for some eternal grace
Coming to my cries
Comforting me with your lies
I almost forgot your razor sharp lips
Kissing me
Draining me with tiny sips
Fuck you, gorgeous
Fuck you, my pretty one
Fuck your sympothetic eyes
Fuck your beautiful lies
What a purductive week this has been. Started work...its alright i supose...there is some damn fine nachoes that I indulged in and free coffee, but you have to deal with fishy water :( Finnally this little 'experience' with amanda is over. I mean, dont get me wrong, she is a cool girl I suppose, not by any means a BAD person, she is just really fucked up and confused....whatever....
Silly little thing...
2002-05-13 10:16 pm UTC (link)
Don't be depressed... just look at how pretty everything is..
..a crazy cripple? LOL you ARE smashed arent ya!
Current mood: peaceful
Current music: hmm.
oh...sweet nothing...
Whenever im alone with you
You make me feel like im home again
Whenever Im alone with you
You make me feel like im young again
How ever far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
You make me feel like im free again
A labyrinth of songs played in your eyes
Entrancing me with your deep, cruel lies
Why dont you watch me anymore?
I feel ive finally hit the core.
Goodnight, now your gone
These nights too sad, the days too long
Dont fly into the clouds without me
Dont break and and become free
Without me by your side
I thought you were mine.
"In hell the blinded eyes can see the chaos"
"He screamed silently into the dark night. The inevitable had once more surprised him and it hurt much more than any other pain that had plauged him in his short life. He didnt understand, he culd understand. All the feelings had combined into a colage of confusion that haunted him. He tried deperetely to convince himself that all this wasnt true, that his tears could erase what was, and chage it into whatr wasnt. Once again that beautiful gate into the world of beauty and vanished into darkness's sacred vault forever. The thought dwelled in his empty mind for days and yet he came to absolution. Please, please, dont say that this is true, that this is how life will be.....No! I cant bear this pain any longer, give me what i need. No misery no lonliess is worth you. And I wait............."

"Its only forever, not long at all....lost and lonely....no one can blame you for walking away, to much rejection, no live injection. Life cant be easy, its not always swell, dont tell me truth hurts little girl, cause it hurts like hell..."

"Its such a sad love...deep in your eyes, it kind of paled you, open and close, within your eyes. Such a fools heart, beating so fast, a love that will last, within your heart, ill place the moon. .."

"How you turn my world you precious thing, you starving near exhausts me, everything ive done ive done for you,i move the stars for no one. Youve run so long, youve run so far. Your eyes can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel, oh i do believe in you, yes I do. Live without the sunlight...love without your heartbeat, i cant live within you.."

(Post a new comment)

2002-05-24 01:36 pm UTC (link)
Why are you so enthralled, little one? :p
(Reply to this)(Thread)
Re: Hehe...
2002-05-24 03:49 pm UTC (link)
oh....why, it has been so long since I have heard from you my dear little Amanda, what has preocupied you all thise time my little dear?
(Reply to this)(Parent)
"we are living in the town, the sun is coming up and its going down, but its all just the same at the end of the day....and we cheat, and we lie, no body says its wrong so we dont ask why....were throwing it all away. If you need me, something i can give, you know id help you if i can, if your honest and you say what you did you know id give you my hand, or a sad song in a lonely place, ill try to put a word in for you..."
"In the shadows....of tall buildings
Of fallen angels in the ceiling
Beautiful vails of bronze and concrete
Faded colors, peices left incomplete
The lines moves slowly between the electric fence
Across the boarders....between the continetes
In the cathedrals of new york and rome
There is a feeling you should just go home
and spend a lifetime finding out just where that is
In the shadows of tall building
The architecture is constantly peeling
its all violot
someone is watching all the outsiders
Through the numbered gates
The mosaic of the head of state
There is a feeling that you should just go home
In the shadows of tall building
Of open arches, endlessly knelling...."

"The labyrinth of ice painted branches webbed an amazing hand reaching elndlessly toward the garish sky so rich with brilliant stars and shades of pale blue. The ground is cold, the grace has fallen and all the birds have gone to sleep and yet she wonders everlasting through the maze awaiting the sun to blossom from the deep horizon and spread another day over her cruel earth, she smiles at the thought of it. Nothing seems to occupy her mind anymore accept that beautiful feeling of a new day that is present before her eyes where anything is possible. Then she feel, her strength has abandoned her soft body leaving her weak and helplless, yet she shows no sadness. Her smile is still resilliant showing the proud livery of all in this world that is truely beautiful. She is going to die, the soft light of life, the beautiful clouds of breathe are leaviing her soft lips, but she still awaits the sun to arise, for another day, and all is gone, and yet she stays waiting and hoping forever."
Current mood: dorky
Current music: Crazy Train- Ozzy Osbourne
Yeah...... Amanda is being quite the strange little girl. Everything is a tad confusing around here. I really want to bleach my hair but my hair is black so its going to take a lot of bleach.

(Post a new comment)

2002-04-22 11:19 pm UTC (link)
Rarrrrr! You better watch it or I'll make ye walk the plank in with all the other bad ones
...you're pretty though so ill let you walk the fancy plank with all kinds of glimmering sterdy things on it..

::blows kiss::
Another day, another night
Another battle
Another lost fight
Sucking on a cigarette
And sipping the stolen bottle of booze
Dwelling in regret
Does he really have anything left to lose?

Wanting the unkeepable
Longing for the denied
Reaching for his desires
He sleeps undefined

Fuck you empty soul
Fuck your sympathetic attempts
Crawling into your lonly little bed
feeling nothing but not being content

Why should you deserve more?
Your praying to a dead god
Afraid of lifes blood and gore
Keeping away of realities fog

Watching people come and go
Slipping into the dark
Have you ever felt so low..
As watching the ones you love
Come and go
its not what you thought
when you first began it,
You got what you want,
Now, you can hardly stand it though, but now you know,
Its not going to stop
Its not going to stop, till you wise up...
Youll show there's a cure
And you have finally found it
You think one drink
Will shrink you till your underground and living down
But its not going to stop
Its not going to stop
Its not going to stop till' you wise up.
Prepare a list for what you need
Before you sign away the deed
cause its not going to stop
till you wise up
No its not going to stop,
So just give up...
Current mood: rejected
God, I love your lies....
Wasted and wounded
It aint what the moon did
I got what i paid for now.
See ya tomorrow
Hey, frank, can I borrow,
A couple of bucks from you?
To go waltzing Matilda
You, go waltzing Matilda with me.
Im an innocent victim
Of a blinded ally
And Im tired of all these soilders here
No one speaks english, and everything is broken
And my stacies are soaking wet to go...
Waltzing Matilda
You go waltzing matilda with me.
Now the dogs are barking
The taxi cabs parking
Alot they can do for me
Ive been you to stab me
You tore my shirt open
Now im on my knees tonight
Oh bushmills ive staggard
Youve buried the dagger
Your Sillouete window light...
To go waltzing Matilda
Waltzing Matilda, you, go waltzing Matilda with me.
Now, ive lost my St. Christopher
Now that Ive kissed her
And the one armed bandit knows
The maverick chinamen in the cold blooded signes
And the girls down by the strip-tease shows go
Waltzing Matilda, you go waltzing Matilda with me
I dont want you sympathy
Fugitives Say
The streets arent for dreaming now
Man slaughtered dragnets
And the ghost the sells memories
They want a peice of the action anyhow, go..
Waltzing Matilda, you, go waltzing Matilda with me
You can ask any sailor
The keys from the jailer
And the old men in wheel chairs now
Matilda is the defendant
Shes killed about a hundred
And she follows wherever you may go
Waltzing Matilda
Its a battered old suitcase
To a hotel someplace
And a wound that will never heal
No pre-modanna
The perfume is on
An old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey
ANd goodnight to the street keepers
The night watchmen flame keepers
And goodnight to Matilda too....
"Sometimes i get so sad.
Sometimes i feel almost heavenly
But baby, I feel mad
Yeah, lately I just feel mad.
Linger on......your pale blue eyes.
Linger on......your pale blue eyes.
Its good what we did yesterday
And id do it again
The fact that you are insane
Only proves that your my best friend,
Well, ill never fuck anyone else again.
Linger on....your pale blue eyes
Linger on....your pale blue eyes
I saw you as my mast guitar
I saw you as my peak
I thought of you as everything I had and I couldn't keep.
Yeah, that I had but I couldnt keep.
Linger on.....your pale blue eyes.
Linger on.....your pale blue eyes.
You explode inside of me
You explode my heart
I never had been anywhere,
You are where I start.
Linger on...........your pale blue eyes.
Linger on...........your pale blue eyes.
Linger on...........your pale blue eyes.
Linger on...........your pale blue eyes."

Farewell brothers.
Im at school right now..it is 1:40....i want to go home!!!!!!!!!! I wonder what Amanda is doing, I probibly wont see for for at least a week...life is so damn boring right now.......TOMMOROWS MY BRITHDAY! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.....right......school sucks
hahahaha.....well brother, i willl talk to thee later.

(Post a new comment)

2002-04-23 11:38 pm UTC (link)
I miss you so much.. I hope its not a week...it almost has been already
Current mood: nostalgic
Current music: Craig Armstrong-final score
oh..gimme danger little stranger...
well.......boredom...amanda was chillin with mary earlier...hmmm........grace is a swell girl....hmmm.....my birthday is in less that 2 hours....no one cares....well thats fine.....night.

(Post a new comment)

2002-04-24 12:18 pm UTC (link)
So, now that you are an old man... what will you do with all the little rascals of the kennebunk schools? Beat them? Make nice nice? Or even... scent them all with "indian spice".
Ohh the third one sounds yummy..
Well anyways.. I hope you get lots of cool stuff...and that I can see you, someday ::cries::
I love you..
Current mood: annoyed
Current music: Iggy Pop
New Years was awful.
This time last year I was with Amanda...and its not so much that I miss her...I mean, the whole thing was fucked up anyway, I mean..looking back I dont think I ever loved her...it was more symbolic than anything else. I mean, I was so torn at that point and I dont think I have gotton much better.

"Looking back, I dont think I ever really loved her...but I cry when I think that she didn't love me"
[[ I LOVE ]]: Words, language, conversations, over-hearing conversations, people articulating thoughts. Paint, the smell of paint, art work, the thought of someone creating art. Kissing, peoples lips, peoples eyes, peoples hands, irrational thoughts and splurts of emotion. wondering, thinking, disecting facts, questioning rules, rebelion, running away, being with someone that you shouldnt be with, thinking thigns you shoiuldnt be thinking about. kissing someone you shouldnt be kissing, fighting to be together, giving up anything for somone, doing anything for someone, running in the rain for someone, loud music that makes you feel like your going to cry, moving on, staying behind, forgetting, remember, realizing, ignoring, love, hatred.
"laugh and sing, but while where apart dont give your heart to anyone"
3.get really wasted with: Amdanda
1.touched: my sister
2.talked to: my sister
3.hugged: sara
4.instant messaged: bryan? i don't know
5.kissed: ...amanda
6.who broke your heart: amanda
1.Dated one of your best friends? yes
2.Loved somebody so much it makes you cry? yes
18.Come close to dying? thrice :)
22.Swam in the ocean? yup
23.Had a nightmare/dream that made you wake up? many times
29. First item you'd buy if money was no object: a studio apartment
39. Flower: roses
48. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? 24 years? Living in a studio apartment in some city, probibly drinking too much.
53. Friend who lives farthest away? Amanda
Im in the corner with my coffee
At the dream cafe.

I walk around
Some ancient city
Write in my notebook
And drink my tea
Dont have to make love
Cuz love made me
And I'll be happy...
Just by myself.
Current music: the replacements
"All the things I wanted from you...I never could express"
I am speaking with Amanda...I think 'akward' is the only word to describe it.

Fear cannot touch me...

It can only taunt me,
it cannot take me,
just tell me
where to go...

I can either follow,
or stay in my bed...

I can hold on to the
things that I know...

The dead stay dead,
they cannot walk.
The shadows are
And darkness
cannot talk.

I hate it here...in this house, in this town, in this state. Im losing my mind her...i want to vanish
Current mood: abandoned
Current music: John Doe
how hideously beautiful
I sit here and I read her words and try to understand what she is TRUELY saying, but I cant. Why does everyone in this world have to be so fucked up?

I dont really have anything to say.

Amanda, need I say more? Im tired, im tired of trying anything with her, she lies and she cheats and...i dont know. god knows i love her to death, but im not going to put up with her bullshit. Shes in New York, everything should be fine, but she has this way of almost *minipulating* you into having feelings for her. I forget about her then she does SOMETHING.
Current mood: lonely
Current music: Philip Glass
"I am dying in this town. If I were thinking clearly? If I were thinking clearly? If I were thinking clearly I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and only I can know. Only I can know my condition."
The other day I was at the new school and I was in the office reading something and there was all these people around me and then all of a sudden my hands started to shake and my eyes watered. it scared the hell out of me...but it quickly went away.

"She" is still there, in my mind always (no, i dont hear voices, hah) God, I wish shed go away forever, and at the same time I dont want her to ever leave....but I guess in many ways she already has. Ahh, fuck it.

We have these state of the union type conversation and we evaluate everything and then she just dissappears and I dont hear from her for weeks.


"Sometimes I think I am only staying alive to satisfy you."
"Well, thats what we do. Thats what people do...we stay alive for eachother."
"Thats debatable."
Things are finally cleared out with amanda, thank god. we decided to not talk to eachother and that, i think, is a very good thing. I love her to death, ya know? But she is obviously going through a lot of bullshit right now, and i wish her the best.
The song "Sadly Beautiful" by the Replacements is so pretty and sad...ive been listening to it over and over.

I feel much more clear...or clearer than I have been anyway. I am beginning to look at everything differantly and in a whole new perspective.
I have discover the following: Most people are usually in it for themselves (underline MOST, meaning not everyone, but a good amount.) They will say what they want to to make themselves happy. For instance, when they are around you and their lonely they will tell you how much they love you and miss you, and then when they dont need you and their with someone else theyll forget you, and not even care how much they may hurt you. And when you confront them with how cruel they're being, they tell you they dont want to talk to you anymore. And no, this is not some heartbroken little sad boy who is wallowing in jelously, honestly I couldnt care less what SHE does...what hurts is that I trusted her and wanted everything to be *fine* and then she back stabbed me.

BLAH - I dont even care, when she is over whatever the fuck it is shes doing, ill be here for her, if she wants to talk. But im not going to fight it anymore.

I slept at my sisters new apartment in portland, yup, right off congress street....yup, some wonderful memories came back...memories I really didnt want to remember.


Current mood: apathetic
Current music: with someone like you, I can spend my lifetime trying to...
*~*~walking in t he snowy street, let me understand...
Drifting down a silent park
Stumbling over land


Open up your heart to me, show me who you are.

...I would be your slave.


I am so tired of akward silences.
They fill my mind when im with you
I wish that I could tell you
what Im going through

Stop trying to hurt me, love
My blood is too tired to spill
My heart is already shattered
My mind is the only thing youve left to kill
See how we are
We gotta keep bars between us,
See how we are?
There are seven kinds of coke
500 kinda of cigarettes
Well, we dont give a damn
See how we are?

Love does change you. Whether it simply enhances who you already are, or makes you a completely different person, finding someone whose love personality compliments your own makes for the longest, happiest relationships
Lately I have been reading Amandas journal and when I used to talk to her and I have realized that she is growing more and ore boring and completely unintelligent. I am not, by any means, saying this as an insult. I love that girl to death, and that is why it is so heart breaking...because when she was here I remember her as intelligent, inciteful, creative, idealistic and very philosophical(sp?) but now when I read her journal all this is gone and she is completely boring and all she talks about is ::weed:: and her theories about it. I knew New York would change her...but I didnt think it would ultimatly steal her mind.
Current mood: aggravated
Current music: "You are someone else, I am still right here."
_-~"Horrible people with pretty eyes"~-_
I really have nothing to say.

Im just very tired of all these annoying memories that i cant forget.

...my stomach hurts.


In the shadows of tall buildings
Of fallen angels on the ceilings
Oily feathers in bronze and concrete
Faded colors, pieces left incomplete
Adam (gimmedanger071) wrote,
@ 2003-02-17 23:56:00

Current mood: confused
Current music: ............................................................
...im going to regret this.
I remember sitting on top of the roof.
I do not, exactly, remember what brought me up there. I do, vaguely, remember a party of sorts. Family and friends mingled around a television set. I remember seeing her, and asking her if she?d like to go outside. But I do not, however, recall how I got the idea to go onto the roof.
Regardless, there we were. It must have been early November. The sky was clear and every single glorious little star was radiant in the black sky. The air was cold, but not unbearably so. As I lay there I realized that the girl lying next to me was almost a complete stranger. I had met her a few times before, brief moments, brief conversations, but I did not, by any means, know her.
Most of what happened in that brief amount of time (an hour? Maybe less?) is not completely clear. What I do remember vividly was the wine that I had poured into an old soda can. I remember the taste so well?cheap convienience store wine mixed with warm, flat cola.
I remember the conversation we had. I had opened myself to her in a way I had never before in my life. I was never an outspoken person. I kept almost anything personal as private as possible. But, for unknown reasons, in this case I let it all come out. I described, in detail, my memories and my life. My experiences and the pains and lessons that, I suppose, every adolescent goes through at one time or another. And she confided in me her secrets, her pains and regrets.
I remember her asking me to elaborate on my feelings. ?It?s is so confusing!? she laughed.
?Well? I searched for the right words, ?I feel like I am in this giant forest and I am surrounded by all of the big trees. In front of me are many paths that lead in all directions. Part of my wants to just sit in the middle, to not do anything and just sleep forever and ever. But the other, larger, part of me wants desperately to go exploring. To search and try to find happiness, or at least find complacency.?
For a few moments she tried to understand what I had said, when I myself could barely understand it. But finally, after a few minutes, she replied, ?Well?maybe you just need help, you know? Like?maybe you don?t have to search by yourself.?
And that is all I remember. There are other vague recollections, but nothing of any importance.
Part of me wants nothing more that to forget this night. To convince myself that it is only a trivial part of my life and that it would be in my best interest to block it from my mind.
But I can?t help but think about it. When I am trying to fall asleep at night, or in the dreadful daylight surrounded by distant voices?it is at these times that I want nothing more than to be up there again.
I hate you...

I hate you...

I hope it's worth it for you. I hope everything is so fucking wonderful for you.

...I want it to stop

Im sorry, im being an idiot.

Current mood: artistic
Current music: this is really happening
I wonder how people can stand it.

Isn't it pretty, the way you lie?
Isn't it great, how you forget me?
The why you sigh.
Isnt it nice, how easily you forget
How you forget all those things that hurt

I envy you, baby, I really do
I wish I could lie and forget everything too
but I cant, that much is clear
I cant erase everything I fear

Oh, darling, with yout lipstick smeared
Your cigartte painted with your pretty red
I never thought you could forget the things we'd said
Oh, baby, how is that wine?
How does it feel to pretend its all fine?

I wish I could be like you
I wish my heart could so easily be minipulated
i wish I could forget you
I wish You hit me or made me cry
So id have reason to let "us" die

Oh, baby, how does that ciagarette feel
As it swims through yout mind
Thank you for lying
Your all too kind

by Adam
Current mood: crushed
Current music: ((<
"You are someone else, I am still right here..."
Faith pours from your walls, drowning your calls
I've tried to hear you're not near
Remembering when I saw your face
Shining my way, pure timing
Now I've fallen in deep, slow silent sleep
It's killing me, I'm dying
Now this slick fallen rift came like a gift
Your body moves ever nearer
and you will dry this tear now that we're here
And grieve for me not history
But now I'm dry of thoughts wait for the rain
Then it's replaced, sun's setting
and suddenly you're in love with everything

How quickly it all went away
It is like a dream now
Did you really say that? I swear you did
Did we walk together? I know we did
But like the ivory rain, everything inevitibly stopped
I tried to hide my feelings, but I always get caught
Where did it go? that feeling that we had...
I try to tell myself "it isnt so bad"
Put on my best sunday dress
and walk straigt into this mess of mine
I put on my best sunday dress
And walk straight into the mess
And watching your burn...
watching you burn...
Oh, Pale blue eyes so young
Pale blue eyes so far away
Watch me with his sorrow
Forgive of this place
And ive come here to confess
To the wind, and the rain and the glorious blame
I come here all undressed
For the numb and the dumb, oh say the name
Watching you burn
She's never on anymore...

Tender is the knife
Lying by your side
Tender is the touch
Of someone you love too much

The demons go away
I need to find someone who can hear my mind.
"Hes got nicotine stains in his eyes
Hes got nothing to protect but his pride
His cigarette traces a ladder.."

SHE is still there...damn her.
!^*?how could someone touch you every day, and stay beyond your reach?*^!
"Perhaps I should cut the tie" <-- ::shudders::

And I will await your highness
I am so high I cannot walk
And I will await..
You cripple, you take away my time, my peace, my empathy
No babies sleep at astrophy
Your unborn love...
Current mood: drained
Current music: silence
fallen angels in the ceilings.
She was cut with ivory thoughts
Crimson lips and forgetful eyes
I held her in all her grace
A million memories i could never face
Halos of questions seem unbearibly lost
I wish I could answer your pretty lies
I wish I could cut these unsavory ties
You, with your gorgous eyes
Statuesque hands that hold my words
never let go.

And I cry...
And no one can hear
In hell...the blinded eyes can see the chaos
Bring the pitiful to me, even though im wide awake
I will, in blackest night
I wait for you
Its cold in here, theres no one left
I wait for you, nothing stops it happening
and I knew...
Id cherish all my misery alone.

And I wait, staring at the northern star im afraid
It wonbt lead me anywhere
Hes so cold, he will ruin the world tonight
All the angels kneeling toward the norther lights
Kneeling to the frozen lights

And they paid...i cry and cry for you
ghost that haunt you with their sorrows
I cried cause you were doomed
Praying to the world that swallows all thats cold and cruel
can you see the tree's tyranny and gratitude?

They run to the pines
Its black in here, blot out the sun
Run to the pines, our misery runs wild and free
and I knew, the fire and the ashes of his grace

and I wait, starring at the norther star im afraid
It wont lead you very far
Hes so cold, he will win the world tonight
all the angels kneeling toward the forzen lights
Feel their hearts, they're cold and white


And i wait, praying to the norhtern star

raining on the world tonihgt
all the angels kneeling toward the norhtern light


Current mood: aggravated
Current music: Be A Man - Hole
"The pain...the demons go away"

ANGRY-NESS: The only boy I understand
The one ashamed to be a man
Just rape the world
Because you can
That's what it takes
To be a man
Well, knock her up
Just slap her hand
Prove it to me just be a man
I think I can
I think I can
I'm big enough to be a man
Tell you the truth
I'm jealous yeah
Give anything to be a man
Be a man
So impotent
Be a man
Take off your dress
Your master plan
Give anything
Just be a man
Oh cut it off
Of course you can
Got what it takes
To be a man
Go rape us all
Just 'cause you can
Well give it up
Just be a man
The fucking wars
The carnage yeah
Give anything
To be a man
Cut it off
I know you can
'Cause no one cares if you're a man
Current mood: indifferent
Current music: Take This Waltz - Leonard Cohen
You burn my heart with a flickering torch
"Theres a tree where the doves go to die"

How you turn my world you precious thing
You starve me near exhausting
Everything ive done ive done for you
I move the stars for no one
Youve run so long, youve run so far
Your eyes can be so cruel
Just as I can be so cruel
Oh I do believe in you
Yes I do....
Live without the sunlight
Love without your heart beat
I cant live within you.

You never showed me the way to your beautiful mind and let me see through all the lies
You pushed me with agonizing softness
You left me to die without a moments remorse
And now your gone and all hope has left too
God, I cant even remember what was and wasn't true.
You took that from me, when you ran away
You stole my thoughts, my pain, my empathy
You took the light from my eyes and never looked back
You are so far away, all you want to do is forget
Forget, look away, neglect
I remember the lies you told with such passionate cruelty
You really thought i'd never see.
But, I have, I have seen
I see past your pretty lies and beautiful minipulations
I see everything
I remember everything
I cant neglect, and I cant forget, I cant move past or erase
I try to block it out,
But in the end I always see your face.
Current mood: apathetic
This is the next century
Where the universals free
You can find it anywhere
Yes the future's been sold
Every night we're gone
And to Karaoke songs
How we like to sing along
Though the words are wrong

It really really really could happen
Yes it really really really could happen
When the days they seem to fall through you
Just let them go

No one here is alone
Satellites in every home
Yes the universals here
Here for everyone
Every paper that you read
Says tomorrow your lucky day
Well here's your lucky day

It really really really could happen
Yes it really really really could happen
When the days they seem to fall through you
Just let them go

Well it really really really could happen
Yes it really really really could happen
When the days they seem to fall through you
Just let them go

Just let them go

Just let them go
Current mood: annoyed
Current music: Ninja Turtle Howling.
Always the time between us...;
Its been over a year...
My birthday is in a few days...im trying to look forward to it...i dont know, im excited, but at the same time when I think back last years I was so shitty, and now one year later nothing seems to have gotten better. I dont know..it lame.
Its just your garden variety bullshit.

She was cut with ivory thoughts
Crimson lips and forgetful eyes
I held her in all her grace
A million memories i could never face
Halos of questions seem unbearibly lost
I wish I could answer your pretty lies
I wish I could cut these unsavory ties
You, with your gorgous eyes
Statuesque hands that hold my words
never let go.
Current mood: artistic
Current music: Looking so long.
Its the ache inside when it all burns out...
And they said you were someone I should never scrutinize
They all said how laughible you were
They all told me why you were wrong
Why you lied with such passionate sincerety

And they all admitted how manipulative you were
They all told me you were shit
They told me why you were the way you were
And the told me to never ask why

And they talked about your past
And they tried to open my eyes
And they all laughed
I suppose I should have believed them

They will make you so, so cynical
the fire burns the flesh;
destroys the best that made our souls
She's the grace of this world
She's too pure
For the likes of this world
this world is a whore

oh, it's all mine
yeah, hey, it's all mine
I never knew what I could be
oh the darling buds of May
they fall with no sound
they carry you down

All the lilies bloomed and blossomed
Wilted and they're shivering
I can't stop their withering
Oh, this world is a war

3/12/09 10:59 pm - pieces of adam's journal

Hush little baby
Dont you cry
We've been through the world
In a day, you and I
It fell in our laps
This triangle of love
To bring us these gifts
We've been too scared to dream about
Im sorry baby
That it feels this way
It's been such a fucked up day
But afterall I know we're okay.

MAURICE: Sara...
SARA: Your alive.
MAURICE: You sound dissapointed...
SARA: I saw you, I felt you, I knew for certin that you were dead.
MAURICE: What were you doing?
SARA: Praying.
MAURICE: To who?
SARA: Anyone who could hear me...I was praying for a mericle. I have to go.
MAURICE: Will I see you again?
SARA: No. Love dosent end just because we dont see eachother, look at god, people spend their entire lives loving him without ever seeing him. Isnt that what love is anyway?
MAURICE: Thats not my kind of love
SARA: Perhaps thats all there is.

NARRATOR: And that was the end of the affair, up till then anyway.

"Hey, put your hand here. What is it? It's my heart, can you feel it? It's my heart and its broken."

Christmas was so utterly saddening. I mean, everything WAS wonderful, I loved every bit of it...but at the same time it was so heart braking, the whole thing...I had to hold back the tears all day...and I dont know why. Nothing happened, nothing that would provoke this. but I tried to be happy, to be excietd as I once was...I tried to pretend anyway....and I think I succeeded.

I feel so lethargic and at the same time so completely awake and energized.

Zoloft was nothing but an insaine caffiene pill that deprived me of sleep and any pallable emotion that could be seen by anyone and left me dry and thoughtless.

Remoron, our second try at destorying my mind with chemicles, was only a really evil tranqulizer that left me constantly tired and dreading any waking moment.

And now I am off of both...and I am left in some fucked up stage between complete blankness and complete confusion where I have no idea what I am doing nor what I should do. I feel poisoned in more way than one.





Dedicated to ::mumbles::
You can come back
When you want
Just know that i'll be here
I havnt left this step
And when the lights go out
I bid the angels up
I only have two hands
Are they here? Are they here right now?
Drive them up
Im checking out today
Me and my charms
I havnt tasted you
I have a peice of you
I have a peice
You can come back
I havnt left you yet
And when the lights go out
I beg the angels now
I only have to hands
Me...all I have in my hands...
All i have in my hands...
Me and my charms....

-- Your heritage: Scottish, Cheyanne, Czechalozavlokin(spelling?)
-- The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: Hands..haha
-- Your bedtime: between 11pm and 4am
-- Your most missed memory: Portland at night ::sigh::
-- Numbers and Names of Children: at least on...its it a girl I want it to be Ivy or Olivia, if its a boy I was Saraphim, marius or Syd.
-- How do you want to die:...peacefully? hahaha

This is to *you*:
I can live without so much
I can die without a thing
The sun keeps rising in the west
I keep on waiting for the curfew
I never seen no mountain
Never swam no sea
The cities got me drowning
I guess its up to me
I can live without your touch
Go without so much
Can die without a thing
Live without your touch
I die withing your reach


Adam Wilde

"As much as I'd like to...I cant save the world...I cant. I cant cure Aids, or give everyone food and shelter or bring back the lost lives of so many others....but what I can do is love. I know that, I know I can give love. And if i can go to these places all over the world and give this sick and dying children love for just a moment, and hour or a day....that I know I can do, and that I will do."
Why do all the good ones have to die?

"The fact that you are insane only proves that your my best friend...yeah...i will never fuck anyone else again"

"I love the way you hate me
I hate the way you hate me
I hate you because of the power of me
I love you"

I just cant avoid

It was just the memory of it.

It is a demeaning waste of my time.

Have you ever noticed how people can be so utterly wrapped up in themselves, they seem to have the most condesending attitude toward virtually everything?...well, i thought this about someone and I was wrong. I do sincerely apologize.

It so... I dont know...placid. Hmmmm

Everytime I get no further
"The clouds hovered in the infanite sky casting a million shadows across the city. Rain fell gracefully and with so much force and purpose that it almost seemed passionate. My lungs burned from the running, my head throbbed and my stomache churned. However, all of this seems so trite and meaningless in this moment. I saw here apartment, its glowling windows. I saw her statuesque shadow roam the small rooms. I didnt want to go up, I couldnt see her, I just wanted...no...I need her to hear me. I looked up letting the rain carress my pale face and I began to scream,"
"'I'm sorry, I'm fucking sorry!" The words came out with little if any thought, they merely poured and elegently as the rain, "I will lose it, I will give it away, everything, throw it all into the air! Im standing here and I..." The words stoped suddenly. A state of full conciousness flooded into my mind and I stopped suddenly. I stared down at the ground which was now painted with numerous puddles. I whispered "I love you." The tears feel silently and blended with the tear drops that feel from the sky. I fell, I felt the harsh gravel cut into my flesh, but I didnt care. I hid myself in my arms and tried to stop...I dont know exactly what it is I wanted to stop, but it was something, something over-powering."

Tell them 'behave'
Cuz Thats whay they say when we're together
But what shall we play?
We dont understand
And So we run as fast as we can
We're holding onto one anothers hand
Trying to get away
Into the night
And then we say
I think we're alone now
What will they say?
And So we run as fast as we can
We're holding onto one anothers hand
And then we say
I think we're all alone now

made for a real world-- all things must pass.
Amanda totally ditched me, but fuck it.
Heart-break is a waste of time

See that cat.......oh yeah, I do mean you...
The fact is:
I biked 5 miles in the rain at 1 in the morning to go see her
I was willing to spend $100 to take a bus by myself to new york to see her...
Yet SHE was unable to see me when she was five miles away, what does that say? I know im over-reacting...it IS my fault...i guess I just expected too much...and what happens when I tell her that I waited up until 4 in the morning by the phone waiting for her to call (which she never did)? She blows it off with 'im sorry'! Im sorry...i know its not her fault, I know it...i guess i am just so lame that I actually believed things were alright.

But enough of this lame teenage soap opera shit.

I feel like im going to vomit....
Im excited for homecoming...and let me make it perfectly clear: I HATE PEOPLE, I HATE THE SCHOOL AND I HATE DANCES. I am just going cause i want to hang out with sara....she is such a lovly person.

Goodbye Kiddos
Adam S. Wilde

Some words for thought:
waiting...watching the clock
Its 4 o'clock
Its got to stop
Tell me....take no more
She practices her speech
As he opens the door
She rolls over
Pretends to sleep as he looks her over
She lies and says she in love with
Cant find a better man
She dreams in colors, she dreams in red
Cant find a better man.

c'mon...your promised me, im dying...
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
I love someone, but i cant say, because i know it will never work out and im in such a shitty frame of mind that i know everything will become a distaster is I say what im feeling so i am just going to shut up.
This is miserable.
~adam wilde

BIRTHDATE: April 24th, 1988
COLOR(S): crimson and black
BAND(S): Radiohead, Hole, Replacements
SONG(S): Norhtern Star (hole) Street Spirit (Radiohead)
MOVIE CHARACTER(S): Sir. Didymus and Harold Zidler
IDOL(S): Botticelli, Toulouse Lautrec, Anne Rice, Tim Burten

why do you feel the need to love this girl and hide it all?
she seems to be the one thing that your missing that is making you miserable
if telling her is not worth the possible rejection then maybe you dont care about her as much as you thought
you dont have to cry out you devotion or anything of that nature- just hint to her how you feel
i didnt read too many entries so if im completely off base-ignore all this- i hope it works out
o- indian food- very awesome

BY the way...everyone: go download Street Spirit by Radiohead...itll make you cry.

Im so tired of it all...i had a dream where i was living in paris in a little apartment by myself where I killed myself by taking a lot of drugs and I was vomiting blood and I took a bath...and then the next day I was watching a show where jim morrision did the exact thing...it kinda scared the hell out of me.

Adam (gimmedanger071) wrote,
@ 2002-10-24 14:59:00

Current mood: depressed
Current music: billy holiday
The ocean is full of everyones crimes.
My mind is tired of suffering.

I feel guilty and i dont know why...this guilt is overpowering...i feel weak and vulnerable....i dont know what im looking for....but i need it. I need to keep myself going and thats why i think so much...thoughts are the only thing that keeps me company. My mind is weak and easily wounded. I know its not going to stop...its my fault, i know it...i have dreams...i think about how things will be and somehow trick myself into believeing that everything is going to be okay...and then it dosent....

i know im talking bullshit

My funny valentine
Sweet comic valentine
You make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
Yet your my favorite work of art
Is your figure less than greek
Does your mouth a little weak
When you open it to speak
Are you smiling?
Dont change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little valentine
^that was on my birthday [before i met him] [amanda]

Where are you?
2002-09-15 05:18 am UTC (link)
I keep looking in the light-ish places, but all I seem to find are sanitary hospital beds..

I'm begining to think that the darker more shadow shrouded area's are where you may have escaped to.

Please come back.
(Reply to this)(Thread)
Re: Where are you?
2002-09-15 08:29 pm UTC (link)
oh, darling...a hospital bed is more like it. I am sooo sick! I think my throat is going to rot away
:( ahhhhhhh It hurts to talk and it hurts to eat....i think im going to shrivel up into a giant green raison. help me :(

Current mood: indifferent
Current music: bastards of young - the replacements
Art was made to be hated, artists were made to be misunderstood

Amanda is being so vague! It is very irritating. She writes things and i dont know if they are directed towards me, or someone else.

It is all so trite.

Im being ripped at the seams
I cant stand these fucking dreams
You gave it all and i said 'no'
And now all i have is pain to show
You loved me once, i know it's true
You see me right through
No more crying as I sleep
No more wanting what I cant keep
My cuts are bleeding, you see them too
No more waiting for my cue
Somebody kill me, man
You with your head burried in the sand
You fucked me up, you know you did
You fucking ripped open my lid
Oh, stop your crying, you know you were wrong
Im sick of your same old song
I love you because of the power you have over me
You watch me with blind eyes, so fucking vigilantly.

it feel in our laps, this triangle of love, to bring us these gifts we were to scared to dream about
Amanda is coming here this week...i am very ::ahem:: nervous, actually i am fucking pissing my pants over it. I dont know...i think it will be very akward...like, i think she may be dissapointed when she see's me...like, ive changed alot since the last i saw her, and i fear it wasnt for the better.

Drama was so halarious today, me and kate and vannessa were talking about dirty mexicans, which is funny because technically i AM a mexican...wheather or not im dirty is open to discussion, haha.

Try to bring some life into a letter
My courage is at its peak, you know what I mean
How do you say 'im okay' to an answering machine
How do you say 'goodnight' to an answering machine
How do you say 'i miss you' to an answering machine
how do you say 'goodnight' to an answering machine
"please, hang up and try again"
How do you say 'im lonely' to an answering machine
I hate your answering machine
"If you need help, if youd like to make a call hang up and try again."

On the bus
Thats where we ride
On the bus
Okay, dont say hi
Your tounge, your transfer, your hand, your answer
On the bas, everyones looking for it
On the bus, im looking for it
Their all watching us
Kiss me, on the bus
Kiss me, on the bus

You're my pretty little whore.
"Mommy! There are boys kissing!"

Amanda ::sigh::, how is it possible that one person can engulf your thought so pittilessly...I am in love....I dont know...i just want to be walking with her again, i want to go to Ben Kay with her just one more time, i want to sip espresso with her just once more...and watch the pigeons....

There really isn't much more to say

"There's definitely no logic to human behavior."

"Hey kiddo, which fairy tales do you want? Grimms? or the bible?"

"It is inevitable that we will one day lose our feelings..who cares?"
"I do....I do."
"You cut me deep, beautiful, and it hurts so good"

"This gut-wrentching was brought to us by
extremes we are constantly drawn to this time
I see myself constatntly drawn from my will
And it may stop the speed of the stealing of love that I feel."

And we cheat, and we lie, nobody says its wrong so we dont ask why.
Current music: street spirit
Let me understand...
drifting down a silent park
Stumbling over land
"The young boy had been away for far too long. Siting alone, in the middle of the forset, he started blankly at the thunderous clouds swimming into the vast sky. He didnt even notice that his lowler lip had begun to quiver ever so slightly as the soft ghusts of wind flew past him. His eyes blured, and the warm tear feel down his cheeks, giving him a sence of warmth and place. He didnt know how long he had been there. He turned around and saw the pale lights of his home glowling between the thick leafs that clung tightly to the branches. He knew he had to go home now. He arose from the little dirt-drenched rock and began his walk home."
"Negitive Cunt" is my true love...i love her...you bastards. Die....seriously, no im not kidding, i really want you to die...damnit.
Love, sincerely, truely
Current mood: indifferent
Current music: oh..wonderful things, indeed.
..eeek!... ::hides::
Steel on the skyline
Sky made of glass
Made for a real world
All things must pass
Waiting for something
Looking for someone
Is there no reason?
Have I stared too long?
You say you'll leave me
And when the sun is low
And the rays high
I can see it now
I can feel it die

And the sky was made of amethyst
and all the stars look just like little fish
you should learn when to go
you should learn how to say no
go on, take everything, take everything i want you to
go on, take everything take everything take everything i want you to
And the sky was all violet I want it again, but more violent, more violence
hey, i'm the one with no soul
one above and one below
i told you from the start just how this would end
when i get what i want then i never want it again

His hand, that yet remains upon her breast
Rude ram to better such an ivory wall!
May feel her heart...poor citizen distressed
Wounding itself to death, rise and fall
Beating her bulk, that his hand shakes withal
This moves in him more rage and lesser pity
To make the breach and enter this sweet city.

Adam Wilde
"I am emotion...i am blue...love is an ocean...im anchroed in you..."

"Tell him what you cant tell anyone else, what your refuse to tell anyone else...tell him you love him."

im sorry..
Current mood: cold
Current music: I am playing outlawed tunes on my bag pipes.
Thine own sweet argument...too excellent
"I am fadded beneath a vail of silent mist that flows through the rainy evening while the stars align to your beautiful glowing eyes."
I've been banished from online-ness...
2002-08-17 02:25 am UTC (link)
But I'm back now : ) How do you like all this ghetto deadjournal format now? ...haha.

That first quote is absolutly beautiful. Excuse my ignorance, but what is it from? ; )

Well... I must be off now.. but here is something warm to put on before I leave
:: hands over a blanket ::

Sweet dreams


(Reply to this)(Thread)
Re: I've been banished from online-ness...
2002-08-17 05:55 am UTC (link)
AMANDA!!! Ive missed you so! my new screen name is OutSpoken246 I love you...
and that first quote....i wrote it.....its from a story i wrote about you ::blushes::
love, adam
Lovely games of yesterday..have left me with my soul to pay...
"I saw a girl with eyes like fire...i had to look her way. She was swearing like a sailor, and demanding her own way...that was when I knew I had to lover...I opened up my sad old eyes, and let the feelings ride...with this quiet beauty of mine..."

"Now that youve met me would you object to never seeing me again?"
Adam (gimmedanger071) wrote,
@ 2002-08-17 18:44:00

Current mood: embarrassed
Current music: The soft sounds of artificial laughter coming from the TV.
"Fear cannot touch me, it can only taunt me..."
That god forbid that made me first your slave
I should in thought control your times of pleasure
Or at your hand the account of hours crave
Being you vessal, bound to stay your leisure!

Oh tender love
A vow of choas
A sweet vanity
Come night
Sweet moon
Sweep yours away
An ill heart
A fortune too great
A time similer to death
A hope once lost
A precious tear
An audatious cry
So the harsh current cease to be
The smile of a thousand screams
The sweet death of a heart so fast
The sun sets behind thine eyes
The kiss is quick
The mind easily minupulated
No discretion to help prevent the brawling hate
But a darkness over run with pale eyes
Goodbye fair light
A sound to scare my soul
A peircing glare
A harsh reality, to quick to lose.
My precious child
As devine as the dearest stars
Speak not a word
An artist with no love
Is no artist at all
The beauty so intoxicating
It makes the boldest moon tare
More painful than the sharpest thorn
Yet as beautiful as the rose upon it
A world so cold
Yet as inviting as the gorgeous clouds
A death of a rose pedal
A pretty cry of sorrow
The smile of an infant
The shout of a dove
To fall, to arise
To live is to cry.
~Adam S. Wilde

Current mood: intimidated
Current music: Take this Waltz ~ Leonard Cohen
Oaths of thy love, thy truth...
I sleep endlessly, it seems. So many dreams that make so little sence. Shall I be awake, and to pain go hence?
Nay, it will never be, for a wakeful hour is my enemy.
And harsh glares unfold in bitter light, in sleep, at least, im out of sight.

"When my love swears that she is made of truth
I do believe her, though I know she lies
That she might think me some untourtered youth
Unskilful in the worlds false forgeries
Thus vainly thinking that she thinks be young
Although I know my years be past the best
I smiling credit her false-speaking tongue
Outfacing faults in love with loves ill rest
But wherefor says my love that she is young
And wherefor say not I that I am old?
O! Loves best habit is a soothing tongue
And age, in love, loves not to have years told
Therefor I'll lie with love, and love with me,
Since that our faults in love thus smothered be"

Now in Vienna there's ten pretty women
There's a shoulder where Death comes to cry
There's a lobby with nine hundred windows
There's a tree where the doves go to die
There's a piece that was torn from the morning
And it hangs in the Gallery of Frost
Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take this waltz with the clamp on its jaws

Oh I want you, I want you, I want you
On a chair with a dead magazine
In the cave at the tip of the lily
In some hallways where love's never been
On a bed where the moon has been sweating
In a cry filled with footsteps and sand
Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take its broken waist in your hand

This waltz, this waltz, this waltz, this waltz
With its very own breath of brandy and Death
Dragging its tail in the sea

There's a concert hall in Vienna
Where your mouth had a thousand reviews
There's a bar where the boys have stopped talking
They've been sentenced to death by the blues
Ah, but who is it climbs to your picture
With a garland of freshly cut tears?
Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay
Take this waltz, take this waltz
Take this waltz it's been dying for years

There's an attic where children are playing
Where I've got to lie down with you soon
In a dream of Hungarian lanterns
In the mist of some sweet afternoon
And I'll see what you've chained to your sorrow
All your sheep and your lilies of snow
Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay
Take this waltz, take this waltz
With its "I'll never forget you, you know!"

This waltz, this waltz, this waltz, this waltz
With its very own breath of brandy and Death
Dragging its tail in the sea

And I'll dance with you in Vienna
I'll be wearing a river's disguise
The hyacinth wild on my shoulder,
My mouth on the dew of your thighs
And I'll bury my soul in a scrapbook,
With the photographs there, and the moss
And I'll yield to the flood of your beauty
My cheap violin and my cross
And you'll carry me down on your dancing
To the pools that you lift on your wrist
Oh my love, Oh my love
Take this waltz, take this waltz
It's yours now. It's all that there is.

Everything seems beautiful today...which is a good thing! Im feeling a bit distant....for everything, you know? I hate it when this happenes.I want school to start again so I can hang out with Grace and Kate more.....and how much I miss Amanda. And I miss Ben too...he was my brother...he looked out for me and protected me and gave me so much advice....i miss him so much, and Olivia....i never thought everything would fall apart like this.......ahh, i need to find something to get my mind off of these things...perhaps ill paint...havnt done that in a while..

"I will not apologize for who I am."

The beautiful points in life come in unexpected like a refreshing rain in the midst of agnozing heat. It comes and it is everything for that one moment in time. It lasts a minute, and hour, a day, a month, no matter how long, it just englufs you in a trance of utter hapiness. And then it goes as quickly as it came. And you are left in a midst of whatever sadness of anger that may be plagueing you at any given time. The worst epidemic in this world is that people expect everything to be good, and cry when things go wrong. I think that everything in this world would be so much better if instead people expected the worse, and cherished the good....I dont know, im probibly just talking shit.

Do you ever feel so completely distant from evertything that at times it seems that nothing else is real and all other people are just figmants of your imagination? It really makes you respect and cherish people when you feel this way.

Do you every notice how sad people are? When you go to the store and the clerk looks like their about to kill themselves, or in a waiting room and you see the mom yelling at her kids for merely playing? or even driving through town and seeing everyone with this look of disgust on their face...it makes me wonder what the hell is everyone so upset about...why is everyone in this world so miserable...::sigh::...I need to stop thinking so much.

Adam S. Wilde
"...coldly articulate"
You can try to suck me dry
But there's nothing left to suck
Just you try to hold me down
Come on, try to shut me up

It's the bitter root it's twisted inside
It's the heart you used to have when it died
It's the emptiness it poisons it lies
It's everything that you'll never find

I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
To know that you're mine
I will cry for you
I will cry for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears
And drown your fear
I will pray for you
I will pray for you
I will sell my soul for something pure and true
Someone like you
See your face every place that I walk in
Hear your voice every time I am talking
You will believe in me
And I will never be ignored
I will burn for you
Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
I'll tear it apart
I will lie for you
Beg and steal for you
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see
You're just like me
Violate all my love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored
I would die for you
I would kill for you
I will steal for you
I'd do time for you
I would wait for you
I'd make room for you
I'd sail ships for you
To be close to you
To be a part of you
'Cause I believe in you
I believe in you
I would die for you
"The door opened ever so softly, letting only small incrimants of light escape. And then she stood there, every black with shadow. The light from the other room making a perfect halo of light around her perfect form. She stood silently, and then began to walk effortlessly toward me, awaying beautifully. She drew closer and lay her bare hand across my chest. Her chin was trembling and her eyes were already flooded with gentle tears. I saw the cut in her stomach. I saw the blood spitting fourth from the angry wound and down her soft dress. The saw the blood slowly dripping upon the floor leaving a small puddle no bigger than a mands thumb. Her eyes were going weak, I could see them glass over. She wiped one hand ever so soflty across her wound and brough the hand fourth to me. Her white finger were painted with a deep crimson blood. Her face was ever more paling. I could now see the spider webs of vains across her white flesh. Her eyes were closed now, immortally closed. She leaned forward and let her lips slowly corress my own. Her small, fragile lips slowly curled into a smile as she kissed me. She whispered something I could not hear, and then feel. I tried to catch her in my arms but she slid through them like water slipping out from a hole in a bucket. Her frail body hit the floor with no sound. And she lay in a pool of her own blood. A angelic tear swimming from her closed eyes, her lips still in a smile, though it was much fadded. I bent beside her. Everything in me, every life force, every love had been taken from me in that one kiss. And she was dead." ~Adam Wilde
I want you back at my side,but i keep on laughing,hiding the tears in my eyes,cause boys dont cry...
There you are
Staring at the sky
Suddenly everything seems so far
and you just cant wait to die
Slapped in the face
Stabbed in the back
Crying without a trace
You turned your back on me
You said your fucking goodbyes
No youve left me starving
All because I loved your lies
Sometimes you feel glamourous
Now that Im so far away
Nothing to lose, no one to trust
Avoiding remembering that last day
I dont need the moon, the stars, or a million skies
I just need you
I need your lies..

"I thought of you as everything i had but i couldnt keep.."

It is so wonderful a thing when you realize all that is true was a lie, and all that hurt is now fucking ecstasy. Its your secret, kids, keep it bottled up. Everything is awful but in the most beautiful way imaginable. Breaking the heart of the people that wish for nothing more that a smile. It hurts, it cries, its so beautiful.
Goodnight Kiddos
Love, Adam
Adam (gimmedanger071) wrote,
@ 2002-07-06 17:09:00

Current mood: melancholy
Current music: Love Song for No One- John Mayer
..hell, im glad you got out...but...i miss you.....
...she's crying...

"i can hear her soft tears no matter how far i try to escape. Her soft whimpers fill my soul...your screams haunt me."

"The fact that your insane only proves that your my best friend, yeah, i will never fuck anyone else again.."

........i need something.
........I need sometime to think

Goodnight Brothers,
2002-07-08 03:38 am UTC (link)
I read all of your entries... =)

Go to sleep! Because when you wake up....

(Reply to this)
She entered the room and saw him standing against the pale wall, his eyes closed. She walked slowly, catiously toward him, and his eyes opened. The deep brown spheres flying through the air and landing gently into her heart. She lost all sences and ran to him. Her soft, pale, deep lips corressed his own. She smiled softly, and let a tear fall. He held her tightly, he had gotten her back after so much pain, and with no words, she had promised herself to him with that one, ivory tear.

Its thundering, its beautiful, its almost intoxicating.
*-<..i want you to notice when im not around..>-*
Everything is crumbling..
Fuck you, the people who push me into lockers and call me a 'faggot'
Fuck you liers and cheaters
Fuck you little 'depressed' teens
Everyone is fadded
Beauty dosent mean anything
Kindness means nothing
Love is worthless

Where do you want to go: Everywhere
Where are you going to live: Scotland, Londond, New York, Boston, Portland, Italy, France..hm...
Current hair: half black half brown, messy.
Current clothes: Old jeans and a red t-shirt.
Current smell: Air
Current longing: Love....hmm....
Do you find it romantic or hurtful?: Its the epitome of sorrow...damnit. [this was in reference to our relationship haha]
What's your best memory? A mixture...going to new jersey with Olivia ::sigh::...going to see Joe Strummer...with Olivia....::sigh::...Being in portland with amanda...However... 'Wonderful Tonight' would be my all time best memory...long story.

O?o (that's a face...see the nose?)
2002-07-23 05:44 pm UTC (link)
Oh damn nothing! Do not be sad... hehe.
You are the most wonderful boy I have ever met and I am SO glad that to have met you. Keep up the painting and you will be a fameous artist! ...remember what that fortune teller said to you? :: wink ::

Anyways, I hope that you are still alive after being exposed to my dork-ness, last night... because that would just be such an awful death!
I love you so much.. everything about you is just completley oozing with individuality and almost angelic allure... when I come up there to visit you... no more looking up at me while you sip a margarita! I cannot describe how strangely irrisistable that was... but I'm a dork so its ok. : p

My final statement:

Adam is great!!

:: blows kiss :: ... catch it!
I had a dream there were little people singing "dee dee dee deet deet." they reminded me of someone very speacial....the girl that talk about peeling peopls faces off.......hmm...yup, she is a weird one alright.

Quotes of the day...

"Cowboys dont wear t-shirts!"

"..she smells so fucking pretty.."
1. Orange Slices
2. Sunflower Seeds
3. Olives
4. onion rings
5. starbusrt
In Venice....in the rain...no preist...no band...
"The world has changed beacuse you are made of ivory and gold, the curves of your lips rewrite history."~Oscar Wilde
When i turned 13 my mom said she wished i was jewish....and then she got drunk...and began to strip./....hmmmm...
Hobbit, because they have funny furry toes.
Theres a women in my life
and she's drinkin champagne
that white skin
Im looking into the sky
And wondering
Waiting for the last train
STanding in the gallows with my head in the muse
any minute now im expecting all hell to brake lose
People are crazy and times are strange
I used to care, but things have changed
This place aint doin me any good
im in the wrong town
for a second i though i saw something move
and no short cuts
only a fool would think of anything new
I dont wanna run to bridge
Dotn get up, im only passing through
People are crazy and people are starnger
I used to care, but things have changed
Ive been waling 40 miles down a bad road
If the bible is right the world will explode
Somethings are too hot to touch
The human mind can only stand so much
Ive falled in love with the first one i meet
people are crazy and times are strange
I used to care but things have changed

8/27/06 12:30 pm - Relating phrases.

NeuroticDelirium (12:27:52 PM): your catagory is...
NeuroticDelirium (12:27:59 PM): expression and sensitivity

NeuroticDelirium (12:29:45 PM): you're on earth to overcome self-doubt and to express yourself using your inner gifts to encourage, uplift and inspire other people

I wish he lived near me.

-frantically drawing
-smoking hookas on the beach
-getting kicked out in a matter of days.
-fo realz
-broken hearts
-squeaky cars
-un-friends from Wales
-cat and his hair
-friends from Mass
-a girl from Hong Kong
-drunk at a club
-i am unphotogenic
-looking out the window
-"and unspoken dreams"
-a robot and a captain
-phone that doesnt ring
-lies and passwords
-hentai icons
-fright flicks
-bela lugosi meets a gorilla from brooklyn
-screaming mothers
-waiting for the phone to ring
-leaving in two weeks
-anti eyebrow piercings
-"a stallion of lovemaking"
-laying in fields
-mary mafia
-hugs from behind
-heart tattoos
-T. jesus.
-flakey friends
-brooklyn sluts
-promises never kept.

5/7/06 04:08 pm - Yayy.

Going to see Arlo Guthrie today. First some cheesy diner, and a trip to free comic book day at the comic store on NewDorp Lane.

I wanted to cut Max's hair but he wouldn't let me.

I think I might make another journal. Because I've stopped typing in here mostly because I've felt increasingly private, and I feel like some people on my friendslist might judge the things I have to say.

I'll notify everyone when I do this though. :)
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